i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You smell like stripper and shame
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
