"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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