i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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