I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
