I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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