my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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