All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Randomize
