it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
