Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
