I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
