I accidentally burped into my bong.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
