Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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