I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
