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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i drank out of a bidet.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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