But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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