Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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