I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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