I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
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He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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