Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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