Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
