so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
