At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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