why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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