I wanna bring you to show and tell
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
