my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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