We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center