She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
