The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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