she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
