i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
