I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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