I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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