I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
