this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
