Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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