I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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