Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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