Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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