just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
