just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How does one acquire holy water?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
