if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
