He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
