You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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