i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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