Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
