If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
