whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
