you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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