Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
