phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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