yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
