i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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