bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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