Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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