In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
