I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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