i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
