We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
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IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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