That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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